stiff competition

March 22, 2011

Watching this video of a tornado pass through a field in Austria, picking up hundreds of meters of plastic sheeting, spinning them balletically aloft, makes me feel bad for artists.

 

service interuption

March 8, 2011

“Being ‘easy’ can sometimes lead young, innocent girls to be hated by her friends, acquaintances, and generally anyone.”

-Advice from WikiHow’s How to Avoid Being Seen As Easy, which also warns:

“Be careful of your female counterparts. Make sure you do not dress like a slut in front of them either. They use their eyes to make judgments, too, so do not give them something to think about. Many times, your frenemies will have you ‘be yourself’ so they can have less guys come up to them bothering them. Do not be the one.”

something fishy

March 4, 2011

Posting this image of a Chinese catfish farm, where the proprietors are said to have turned to illegal veterinary drugs to keep the animals alive in the contaminated water,  is the visual equivalent of saying, “Smell this; it’s awful,” so sorry about that. But seriously, smell it.

the awesome is in the details: updated with more awesome

February 28, 2011

Remember Patrick Rogers? He not only got all judo-flip-foreclosure on Wells Fargo, but also has fangs!

Seriously, I can’t wait until the vast majority of local TV news stories feature adult goths, people with facial tattoos or the morbidly obese, because that’s where we’re heading.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. This person might be your kid’s pediatrician one day.

pignolis

February 27, 2011

For the past few days, I’ve gotten this bitter, metallic taste in my mouth every time I eat or drink something, and because I feel fine in every other way, I just assumed it was some sort of nascent brain problem that I should ignore. Not the case! Turns out I ate some bad pine nuts (not pictured) which left me with something called “pine mouth” (also not pictured) and I might have this god awful taste on my tongue for a few weeks.

Obviously, this is unpleasant, but what what really gets me is that in order to complain about it, I have to tell a story involving pine nuts from an organic grocery store that I ate in an arugula salad — a series of details so annoying that I’m forced to confront the fact that I must be a complete shit.

 

Backwoods Home

February 24, 2011

Please take a minute to appreciate a few covers from the magazine I’m most excited to write for this year:

the awesome is in the details

February 24, 2011

There’s an excellent underdog story making the rounds today: Patrick Rogers, a Philadelphia homeowner, was pushed and pressured into some sort of extra insurance by his mortgage lender, Wells Fargo. When he wrote them wondering why and disputing an additional charge, they never replied, so Rogers stole a page from their playbook. First, he took the company to small claims court and eventually initiated a levy on his local branch, allowing the sheriff to seize and sell Wells Fargo property in order to recover the money he was owed.

Better, this is Patrick Rogers:

And this is his house:

 

Sick bougainvillea, oh Dark One!

trading places

February 24, 2011

The Koch brothers.

The Duke brothers.

Anyone else interested in rounding up Eddie Murphy, Dan Aykroyd and Jamie Lee Curtis to run the old Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice scam?

tenure track

February 23, 2011

When I’m depressed and writer’s blocked, I wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t dropped out of that PhD program years ago. My chums who finished are doing pretty well, and despite what I read about in the educational Trades, it seems that there are good jobs out there if you’ve got the right credentials and a willingness to travel. Yakov Smirnoff, for example, is a professor at Missouri State University and Drury University, where he teaches “The Business of Laughter.”

In America, celebrity qualifies you.

 

false advertising

January 21, 2011

Australian customs seized 150 bottles of illegal steroids shipped to the country under the guise of “Gay Lube Oil.”

good for your heart

January 19, 2011

Judging by the looks I just got in the grocery store line, buying a single can of baked beans at 9am is only slightly less creepy than buying a single bullet.

gold to go

December 17, 2010

Because Diamonds on the Run® is ridiculous:

The GOLD to go® gold vending machines come in a variety of versions. Each machine can either be safely bolted to the floor or to a back wall. The special gold leaf finishing is a true eye catcher. GOLD to go® ATM’s are customer friendly. Menu navigation is works with a 19″ inch touch screen. The ATM can be delivered with optional advertising screens.

The GOLD to go® ATM’s  are an in-house development and contain cutting-edge components for product distribution, change, monitoring and data synchronisation. They have been developed in cooperation with a leading ATM manufacturer and provide industry standard security features. So far we have invested many man years into the development of our GOLD to go® gold vending machines.

hustler’s holiday card

December 15, 2010

via @MacMcClelland

tyra banks

December 14, 2010

?uestlove’s celebrity stories: go there, read. Here’s his riff on Tyra Banks:

she caught me out there at the naacp 2003.

the only cat i wanna meet and have validate me is quincy jones.

so standing backstage at the naacps–
i was talking to jill marie (who hosted the awards with the cast of girlfriends) and i saw q say goodbye to ray charles (who actually died like 4 months later so this could have been the last time he saw him)—

i told jill…”hang on one sec”

and i saw my chance….

i was nervous. i mean im cool with his kids….but i know he dont know im alive.

or worse…cares…

so i sheepishly approached

left foot….right foot….

(passes tyra who is talking to kimora lee—they waiting for limo)

walks up and gets the nerve to barely get out

“ummm…man…you are my hero sir” (tyra heard me say this)

quincy: oh my god….the FUNKIEST CAT ALIVE…..

—yo!! i lost my shit!!! how this motherfucker know im alive and that my shit is funky!!!!!!!!!!!!

he held his hand out….smiled and walked to me…

so i walked with my hand out….

he got closer….

i was smiling….

and then….

he hugged dre3000…..

and left me hanging.

tyra and kim saw ALL of this and i tried to play this off….

we laughed SO hard cause they knew i was embarrassed.

we remember that to this day.

ocean’s 11 meets hot fuzz

December 14, 2010

“In most events, we actively pursue those folks that commit those robberies and do a fairly decent job apprehending them, and hopefully this will hold true.” – Police Lieutenant Clint Nichols assures the Las Vegas Review-Journal that his department’s general policy is to pursue casino robbers who ride off on a motorcycle with $1.5 million in chips.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.